To Know and Understand
by Lisa12
Summary: Doggett and Reyes struggle to convey their feelings for each other post-Audrey Pauley


To Know and Understand  
  
By Lisa (lc7685@hotmail.com/http://www.geocities.com/lisacheerio_85/)  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own these people or the show this is based on  
  
Summary/Rating: PG - Post Audrey Pauley - Doggett and Reyes POV + narration - Set a couple of days after the ep.  
  
***  
  
You have to understand  
  
That I never thought life could be so complicated. When I was younger I always imagined that it was straightforward. You study, get a job, get married, have children, and grow old. How was I supposed to know that the perfectly simple life plan I had would unravel at the first opportunity? That my child would die, that my marriage would disintegrate, my job would change. Once upon a time nothing would have convinced me to leave the force. The NYPD was half of my life. Yet with the other half gone, it was lonely. I wanted more.  
  
You have to understand  
  
The only reason I had the opportunity of a new life was because of you. The only reason I'm still here today is you. I wanted to finish it so many times. Once upon a time I was ready. Sitting at home, looking at just a picture of my son, thinking about how easy this was, and how soon I would see him again. Then you rang.  
  
You have to understand  
  
You saved me that day and all the days after that. I never thought I'd fit in at Quantico, that I could be happy, but I did and in some ways I was. You weren't there, though.  
  
You have to understand  
  
When you were standing in that field, that day. When you put out your cigarette and looked from myself to Agent Scully. When you said hello. I knew I had to ask you to stay. I couldn't let you leave again. And I did ask and you did stay.  
  
You have to understand  
  
That every day since then I've needed you. Once upon a time I lived off the thought of you. Today I live off the sight of you. You have no idea what you do for me, and  
  
You have to understand  
  
Seeing you lying in that bed tore me up inside. I knew you were still there. Even before Audrey came to visit you.  
  
You have to understand  
  
That while I fought for you it wasn't enough. She saved you. If she hadn't have saved you, then know that I would have gone back to that day. The day in my house, when living wasn't enough.  
  
You have to understand  
  
That I brought you here. It was selfish because I was scared of losing you, of letting you drift away. I should have asked you in that night. I wanted to, so badly, but I was scared of letting you down. Yet in letting you leave, I was letting you down all the same.  
  
You have to understand  
  
That's why I can't tell you that I need you, that I love you, because as soon as I do, I'll let you down.  
  
*  
  
"How's she doing?" Scully asked two days later.  
  
"All right," John replied quietly, sitting at his computer. Scully raised an eyebrow. He'd been sullen for days. She thought he'd be happy. She sure was. Well, as happy as she could be.  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Yeah." There was a long silence.  
  
"You know Agent Doggett," Scully began in her professional tone. "Next time she might not wake up. Or you might not." John looked up at her. "Could you handle that?"  
  
*  
  
You need to understand.  
  
"John," Monica smiled as she opened the door. "Hi, I was just heading out-"  
  
"Where to?"  
  
That I brought you here  
  
"For a walk. To wherever. You wanna come along?"  
  
It was selfish because I was scared of losing you, of letting you drift away.  
  
"Sure." Monica smiled.  
  
"Good. We can talk."  
  
I should have asked you in that night. I was scared of letting you down.  
  
"Talk?" John asked.  
  
"Yeah," she glanced at him. "There are things to be said." John nodded, stepping back as she closed the front door behind her.  
  
Yet in letting you leave, I was letting you down all the same.  
  
*  
  
"How am I doing?" Monica asked as they strolled around the block. He had a feeling she'd been planning a fast walk, but John wasn't up to it, and in some ways, neither was she while he was there.  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Scully called and told me you were coming around to check up on me for her. Do I get a clean bill of health?"  
  
"If ya want it." They walked in silence the rest of the way, before getting back to Monica's place. Some talk, John thought to himself.  
  
"John, I need to tell you something," she began suddenly as they got back inside. She stood watching him. He nodded for her to continue. She took a deep breath. "I'm really glad you were there the other day, because while I was...asleep, all I could think about was getting back and seeing you. So seeing you when I-" John took a step forward as her voice started to shake. "I just thought you should know," she whispered, pulling her eyes from him and looking down at her hands.  
  
*  
  
I thought you should know  
  
That you don't have to feel guilty. That no matter what happens to me, it's never going to be your fault. I promise you. Whatever happens to us. I know you'll be there for me, like I was there for you. Because you're a good man.  
  
*  
  
"It's uh," John continued as Monica looked up at him. "It's okay Mon." She took a step forward and he embraced her. At first awkwardly but then with more confidence as she pulled closer to him. "It's okay."  
  
"Thankyou John."  
  
*  
  
I thought you should know  
  
That when you're ready, so too will I be. I love you, and sometimes thankyou just isn't enough.  
  
*  
  
"Mon?"  
  
"Yes?" Monica asked, pulling back. John watched her carefully, tracing his face with his fingers. She took his hand, holding it to her face. He shook his head slowly, a small smile on his face.  
  
She has to understand  
  
"I...I missed you Mon."  
  
That I love her.  
  
She nodded, tears coming to her eyes as she hugged him again.  
  
I thought you should know  
  
"Missed you too, John," she replied softly next to his ear.  
  
I always have.  
  
*** 


End file.
